


Waking Souls

by notionally



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Flirting, Drunken Kissing, Drunken Shenanigans, Jealousy, M/M, also he gets jealous of hyunwoo dancing with jinyoung in a club because why not, also jaebum might or might not end up writing jinyoung a song, because he is bad at feelings, but jaebum wants to forget about it, jaebum and jinyoung make out when drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 22:03:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15694227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notionally/pseuds/notionally
Summary: Canon-compliant. Jaebum and Jinyoung end up making out one night when drunk. Next morning, Jaebum says it was a mistake and wants to forget about it, pretend it never happened. Jinyoung doesn't want that, but he goes along with it.What happens when the one struggling to forget about it turns out to be Jaebum?





	Waking Souls

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new to the GOT7 fandom (idk why I've been sleeping on them all this while) but JJP has become my obsession with alarming rapidity. The idea for this fic grabbed me one day and wouldn't let go. It turned into a much longer piece than I intended, but what can I say - the JJ parents are bad at feelings and it took ages to get them to kiss and make up.

 

  _“And now good morrow to our waking souls / Which watch one another not out of fear” – John Donne, ‘The Good-Morrow’_

 

Jinyoung knew – he knew from the second Jaebum had asked to speak to him privately – that this wasn’t going to be a conversation he wanted to have. He could see it in the way Jaebum averted his gaze, in the rigidness of Jaebum’s posture. And he was right.

“I thought we should talk,” said Jaebum, once they stepped into his studio and had shut the door behind them. “About last night, I mean.” He was mumbling, and he kept his eyes trained on a spot just above Jinyoung’s shoulder. It pissed Jinyoung off, that Jaebum wouldn’t look him in the eye.

“Right.” Jinyoung shoved his hands into his pockets, squared his shoulders. “Go on, then.”

Jaebum looked slightly surprised that Jinyoung wasn’t going to say any more than that, as if he had been hoping Jinyoung would say the words for him. No way – if Jaebum wanted this, he was going to have to say it himself.

When it became clear that Jinyoung would not say a single word more, Jaebum cleared his throat, rubbed the back of his neck. “What happened last night,” he started, hesitating. He pursed his lips. “It was a mistake,” he said, in a low voice. “We should just – lets just forget about it.”

A moment passed. Jinyoung had been expecting those words, but somehow hearing them still made him feel utterly small, and unwanted. Had a small part of him been hoping, right until the last moment, that Jaebum would have wanted him as much as he wanted Jaebum?

“Just pretend it never happened?” Jinyoung asked, after a long pause.

Jaebum swallowed tightly. “I think that’s – probably for the best,” he said. His voice sounded strained. “For the members… our careers…” He trailed off.

 _What about for us?_ Jinyoung felt like shouting. _What about what’s best for you, and for me?_ But he didn’t. Jaebum had made himself perfectly clear, and Jinyoung supposed he should be grateful to hear the truth.

“Yeah, fine,” he replied. “If that’s what you want.” He tried not to think about how Jaebum had felt pressed up against him, tried to forget the warmth of Jaebum’s lips against his own. Tried to do what Jaebum had asked, and pretend that Jaebum hadn’t said anything to him last night, their faces so close that he could feel Jaebum’s breath on his lips.

Jaebum darted his eyes to Jinyoung, and for a second Jinyoung thought he saw something like panic flickering in there. But then, as quickly as it had appeared, the look was gone. Jaebum clenched his jaw – Jinyoung had always liked the way it made the tendons in his cheeks stand out – and nodded. “It’s for the best,” he said, firmly. But he was looking down, as if he was saying it for his own benefit as much as Jinyoung’s.

“Great,” said Jinyoung coolly. His voice was utterly flat, but his chest was constricting painfully. If he didn’t get out of there this instant, he was going to cry in front of Jaebum, and Jinyoung absolutely did not want to do that. So, with a curt nod of his head, he left.

 

 

It was less than twenty-four hours ago that they had kissed for the first time, and yet that already felt like a lifetime ago.

They had been at dinner, just the seven of them, to celebrate another successful comeback and round of promotions. It was early in December so the group were also treating it as an early Christmas celebration, and everyone was in great spirits. The food was good, and the soju was flowing freely. Next to him, Jaebum was cracking up at something Jackson had said. Jinyoung closed his eyes, lolled his head back, basking in the sound of Jaebum’s laugh.

Jinyoung couldn’t remember when he’d realised that he had a crush on Jaebum. By the time he did realise, he was already in too deep. His eyes sought out Jaebum’s imposing frame in every room he entered, his body sparked at every touch between them. He felt his heart rate speed up, felt a smile slip irresistibly to his lips, every time Jaebum looked at him with that soft gaze. Jinyoung liked to dream that maybe that look was special, reserved for him alone – but he knew that it wasn’t.

The drunker Jinyoung got, however, the more he let that thought swirl around in his mind. He snuck a glance at Jaebum, who had just knocked back yet another cup of soju, spurred on by Jackson, Yugyeom and Bambam. Jaebum grinned as the younger members cheered riotously, then turned suddenly to glance at Jinyoung.

“Jinyoungie,” he murmured, leaning in closer and pressing their foreheads together. Jinyoung felt his heart stop. Jaebum hummed to himself, let his eyes fall closed as he swayed gently against Jinyoung. “I like you,” he breathed, so quietly that Jinyoung wondered if he had actually spoken. But there was no way Jinyoung could have been mistaken – his every sense was on high alert, screaming out at him from how terrifyingly close Jaebum was.

“Ew – mom and dad!” shouted Jackson, sending Yugyeom and Bambam into fits of giggles. Jinyoung startled and leapt back, away from Jaebum. From his other side, Mark grunted in complaint as Jinyoung knocked into him.

Jaebum just chuckled drunkenly, reached over and gave Jackson a hearty shove. “ _Yah_ , don’t be rude to your parents,” he scolded.

“Jinyoung?” Mark’s voice broke Jinyoung out of his reverie. “Are you okay?”

“Huh?” Jinyoung’s head snapped round to Mark. “What – no, yeah I’m fine.”

Mark frowned in concern, and Jinyoung looked down at his plate. Their oldest hyung had an oddly perceptive way of figuring out what was going on. “You just look a little – flustered,” Mark said.

Jinyoung forced himself to smile, though flustered was a massive understatement for how he felt at that moment. “I’m fine,” he said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. “Just a little tipsy.”

 

 

By the time the group stumbled back into their flat, Jinyoung felt stone cold sober. He had continued drinking, trying to take the edge off, but then Jaebum kept touching him. Each touch felt like an electric shock, jolting him back to reality. At first it was just a slap of his thigh or a nudge of his shoulder whenever Jaebum found something funny, but towards the end of the night Jaebum had taken to intermittently tangling his fingers with Jinyoung’s, leaning his head against Jinyoung’s shoulder, and at one point snaking his arms around Jinyoung’s waist and pressing his nose to the side of Jinyoung’s face.

The members crowded round the front door as Mark fumbled with the keys, Bambam almost falling in when the door finally swung open. Yugyeom grabbed him by the arm and the two youngest members staggered to their room.

“They should really drink some water before going to bed,” said Jinyoung. “They’re going to get a hangover otherwise.”

“We’re all going to get hangovers anyway – why did we drink so much?” Youngjae moaned, shuffling over to his room and collapsing face-first into bed. Mark giggled and headed in after him, pulling the blanket up and tucking Youngjae in.

“We should keep the party going!” hollered Jackson. “We have beers in the fridge!”

Mark emerged from Youngjae’s room, closing the door behind him softly. “The only thing we are going to do now is to go to bed,” he said in a calming voice, leading Jackson by the elbow back into their room. Jackson started to protest, but Mark just shushed him gently like he was soothing a baby.

Then their door clicked shut, and Jinyoung was left with Jaebum in the living room. The air was suddenly crackling with electricity. Jinyoung could feel Jaebum staring at him, which made his heart start beating at an alarmingly fast rate.

“Right,” mumbled Jinyoung. He still wasn’t looking at Jaebum. “I’m off to bed.” And he spun on his heel, ready to walk straight into his room and shut the door behind him and go to sleep.

But Jaebum’s hand stretched out, caught hold of his wrist, and Jinyoung froze.

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum breathed. The sound was more intoxicating than all of the alcohol Jinyoung had consumed that night. He felt the world spinning around him.

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum repeated, stepping closer to him. Jinyoung felt Jaebum’s chest bump against his back. Jaebum released his wrist, wrapped both arms around him from behind, pinning his arms to his sides.

“What – what are you doing?” asked Jinyoung, his breath catching in his throat.

Jaebum shrugged, and Jinyoung felt the motion of his shoulders against his back. “Don’t know,” Jaebum murmured, his lips brushing against the side of Jinyoung’s neck. “Just wanted to hold you.”

Jinyoung almost choked. This was too much. He was going to explode if Jaebum kept this up. “Jaebum- _hyung_ ,” he managed to say, wriggling out of Jaebum’s grasp and turning to face him. They both reeked of alcohol. “You’re – you’re drunk.”

“Mm?” hummed Jaebum, like he hadn’t even heard Jinyoung. He took another step forward, pressing Jinyoung against the wall. His eyes flicked down to Jinyoung’s lips, then back up to Jinyoung’s eyes. It sent a fire coursing through Jinyoung’s veins. Jinyoung felt paralysed by the sheer shock of what was going on. Half of his brain was screaming at him to run away, but the other half was screaming at him to grab Jaebum by the collar and kiss him.

Jinyoung was saved the agony of having to decide which half of his brain to listen to. Jaebum leaned forward, pressed their lips together, and Jinyoung let his eyes flutter shut. He wound his hands up around Jaebum’s neck, tangled his fingers through Jaebum’s hair. Jaebum’s hands settled against Jinyoung’s hips, gripping aggressively into him. This was definitely not where Jinyoung had thought the night would be going, and though his brain was shouting at him that this was a terrible idea, Jinyoung found himself helpless to resist.

Jaebum licked his tongue against Jinyoung’s lips, and Jinyoung opened his mouth obligingly. His body was on fire as Jaebum snaked his hands up under his shirt, up his back. The feeling of Jaebum’s hands, large and warm and slightly calloused, against his skin, drove Jinyoung to near madness. He moaned complainingly, ground his hips against Jaebum’s, begging for more.

This elicited a low growl from Jaebum, who pulled back from the kiss, breathing heavily. Jinyoung was starting to worry that Jaebum was coming to his senses, when instead Jaebum just grabbed him by the wrist, tugged on him insistently. “Come on,” he said, voice thick with need. “Your room.”

Once they got to Jinyoung’s room, Jaebum slammed the door shut behind them, and before Jinyoung had time to even think, Jaebum was kissing him again. They stumbled backwards, Jinyoung falling back onto his bed, Jaebum pressing down into him from above. Jaebum slid his hands up Jinyoung’s sides, under his shirt, tugging it off.

“You look so good,” Jaebum said, his voice low and gravelly and sending shockwaves up Jinyoung’s spine.

“ _Hyung_ ,” was all Jinyoung could say, and if hadn’t been so aroused he would have been embarrassed by how much of a whine his voice had to it. He reached for the hem of Jaebum’s shirt, pushed it up, desperate to see more of him. Hint taken, Jaebum yanked his shirt over his head, dropped in on the floor. Jinyoung ran his hands across the smooth expanse of exposed skin, across the hard plane of Jaebum’s abs.

Then Jaebum dipped his head down, pressed a hard kiss into Jinyoung’s neck, teeth digging into Jinyoung’s skin. Jinyoung arched into Jaebum, groaning with desire. Jaebum was hard, Jinyoung could feel him straining against his jeans, pressing against his thigh. He was sure Jaebum could feel him as well. He rocked his hips upwards, hooking his fingers through Jaebum’s belt loops to pull him closer.

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum groaned, his breath hot against Jinyoung’s ear. “You don’t know what you do to me.” His nipped at Jinyoung’s earlobe. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this.”

Jinyoung’s heart stopped, and he tensed up. What was that supposed to mean? How long Jaebum’s wanted _what_? Did Jaebum like him back? Or did he just want to fuck? Jinyoung felt panic rising in him. What if this changed everything between them? Surely that wouldn’t be worth it if Jaebum just wanted to have sex?

Jaebum must have noticed the change in Jinyoung’s mood. He rolled off Jinyoung, tugging at Jinyoung’s hip to turn him so that they were lying on their sides, face to face. There was a look of concern in his eyes, in the way he frowned at Jinyoung.

“Sorry,” Jaebum mumbled. “This is too fast.”

“No, no,” said Jinyoung quickly. He reached his hand up to rest on Jaebum’s jawline. “Don’t be sorry.”

The corners of Jaebum’s mouth lifted into a small smile. “I like you, Jinyoungie,” he breathed, eyelids dropping slowly. He looked sleepy, and soft. Jinyoung could smell the alcohol on his breath. It was a reminder that he was drunk – they were both drunk – and as much as Jinyoung wanted to continue, he knew they shouldn’t.

“We should go to sleep,” Jinyoung said.

Jaebum murmured incomprehensibly, the alcohol-induced sleepiness clearly overtaking him. He pressed his face into Jinyoung’s shoulder, wrapping his arm around Jinyoung’s waist. “Jinyoungie,” he whispered again, lips moving against Jinyoung’s skin, sending tingles shooting through Jinyoung’s system.

For the longest time, Jinyoung lay awake, listening to Jaebum’s breathing slow, feeling the steady beat of Jaebum’s heartbeat against his chest. He didn’t think he would be able to fall asleep at all, not with Jaebum pressed up against him like that, all warm and soft. Not with the whirlwind of thoughts thundering through his brain.

But he must have dropped off to sleep at some point, because when he opened his eyes again, the sky outside was lightening, and Jaebum was gone.

 

 

After that night, and the subsequent conversation with Jaebum, things went back to a sort of normal. They had music to make, dances to perfect, photos and videos to shoot.

Except everything was different for Jinyoung.

He stopped keeping an eye out for Jaebum, tried his best to ignore the leader’s presence without being outright rude. He made sure to always sit or stand as far as possible from Jaebum. There were no more flirtatious touches between them, no more arms round each other’s shoulders or hands gently squeezing each other’s thighs.

Jaebum looked at him, often, surreptitiously, when he thought Jinyoung wasn’t looking. But Jinyoung was always hyper-aware of Jaebum, even as he tried his hardest to ignore him. It drove him to distraction, constantly torn between noticing and trying not to notice Jaebum.

And Jinyoung didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he was, quite simply, sad. It had been more or less manageable, having a crush on Jaebum. But to come so close to having everything he wanted, only to be cruelly rejected, was more than Jinyoung could bear. He felt constantly on the brink of crying, though he never did – not in front of the members, not in front of Jaebum. But not even when he was alone. Jinyoung would not let himself.

The days turned into weeks, and Jinyoung was near breaking point. He was exhausted all the time, and though he knew how sullen he had gotten, he struggled to break himself out of it. The members must have noticed as well – they must have, what with Jinyoung usually being so full of wry comments and snarky digs at everyone – but no one said anything.

Not until Jinyoung said that he wasn’t going to go Jaebum’s birthday party.

The _maknaes_ (and Jackson) had insisted on throwing Jaebum a massive bash, inviting basically everyone in the industry, and somehow convincing their managers that the company should subsidise the cost of hiring out a club for the night. Perhaps they had sensed that something was up with their leader, wanted to do something to cheer him up. Jinyoung couldn’t deny that Jaebum had been more subdued since the night of The Mistake (as Jinyoung had taken to thinking of it). But he could think of nothing worse than having to spend a night celebrating with Jaebum when just looking at him made Jinyoung want to ache with longing for something he couldn’t have.

He had floated the idea of him skipping the party to Mark a week in advance. Mark, soft-spoken as he was, just stared at Jinyoung like he was out of his mind.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you and Jaebum – no, don’t deny it, something’s obviously happened – but you deserve better than to shut yourself out from the rest of us like you’ve been doing,” said Mark, his tone firm, but filled with compassion and concern. “I’m all ears if you want to talk about it. You don’t have to, of course, but I don’t want you to think that you have to handle everything yourself.”

Jinyoung felt tears pricking at the backs of his eyes. He clenched his jaw, blinked them away. “I just – I don’t know how to be around him,” he said, voice catching in his throat.

Mark reached out, slipped Jinyoung’s hand into his own. “Why?” he asked gently, urging Jinyoung to – finally – open up.

“Jaebum- _hyung_ – I just,” Jinyoung hesitated. He wanted to talk about what had happened, he really did. But it was too hard. He couldn’t speak the words, not yet. Jinyoung settled for talking about how he felt. “I think I – have feelings – for him.” He squeezed his eyes shut, frozen in place. His heart was pounding in his chest.

“Yeah?” came Mark’s voice, soft like a caress. “That doesn’t seem like a bad thing. Is that a bad thing?”

Jinyoung opened his eyes, looked at Mark. He felt shattered. “Something happened,” he said, feeling his chest tighten at the words. Tears gathered in his eyes, blurring his vision. “He – he doesn’t feel the same way. He made it – he made it very clear.”

“Oh, Jinyoungie,” breathed Mark. Jinyoung choked out a sob, the tears falling from his eyes. It hurt, it really did. He had given Jaebum his whole heart, and Jaebum had stomped on it and given it back with a ‘no thank you’. “Jinyoung-ah,” Mark murmured, again, pulling Jinyoung in for a hug. Jinyoung clutched at Mark, tears staining his shirt. Mark rubbed soothing circles against his back, and Jinyoung cried even harder at the thought that more than anything he still wished that the arms around him belonged to Jaebum.

When Jinyoung finally felt his breathing fall into a steady rhythm, he pulled away from Mark, rubbing at his face with the heels of his hands. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

Mark shook his head, assured him that no apologies were necessary. He kept on holding Jinyoung’s hand. After a pause, he said, “I still don’t think you should stay home alone while everyone else is at the party.”

“No, you’re right – I was being childish,” said Jinyoung, nodding.

This made Mark frown. “That’s not what I meant,” he said. “I mean – I think it would make you sadder to be alone. Going to the party might take your mind off things.”

Jinyoung chewed on his bottom lip. “Maybe,” he said, unconvinced.

“Look – you don’t have to decide right now,” Mark said. “Just – don’t make up your mind either way. See how you feel on the day. And if you want me to stay home with you, I will. But it’s going to be a big party, you won’t have to hang out with anyone you don’t want to. You’ve been so down, I think it would be good for you to have a bit of fun, yeah?”

It would certainly be good for Jinyoung to have some fun. He just wasn’t sure how to do that anymore, when he felt so overwhelmingly miserable all the time.

 

 

As it turned out, by the time the day of the party rolled around, Jinyoung had gone from being just miserable to being angry about being miserable – which, he supposed was an improvement, if not exactly the one he would have expected.

So he had marched up to Mark and demanded help with his outfit, and now he found himself standing by the bar in a club heaving with bodies, waiting as Mark ordered him a drink. The rest of the group had gone ahead without them – ostensibly because Mark was taking ages with his hair, but in reality because Jinyoung was hoping to go the entire night without having to speak to Jaebum.

“Don’t look so glum,” said Mark, turning from the bar and handing Jinyoung a glass of what looked like coke and smelt like whiskey. “You look hot. Let’s go dance!”

Not for the first time, Jinyoung felt a surge of gratitude that he had a friend like Mark. He supposed he did look good, in a loose black sweater tucked into a pair of leather trousers that Mark had coerced him into trying on, but that had ended up looking quite remarkable on him. Feeling a surge of self-confidence, Jinyoung let Mark lead him onto the dancefloor, let the music and the alcohol wash over him, felt himself slowly relax.

Everything was going fine until he found himself on the edge of the dancefloor, pushed out by the crowd, Mark lost somewhere on the dancefloor. And right there in front of him, standing by a tall table with Youngjae and a couple other idols that Jinyoung sort of recognised by not quite, right there – was Jaebum.

Frustratingly, Jaebum looked just as good as he always did. All in black, as he so often was, in a nicely pressed shirt that really emphasised how broad his shoulders were. His hair was pushed back, and a couple of earrings dangled from his ear.

But the most startling of all was the intensity with which his gaze bore into Jinyoung. It made Jinyoung feel completely exposed, and vulnerable. He hated it.

Before Jaebum could say anything – if he even was going to say anything – Jinyoung ducked back into the crowd. He weaved erratically through the crowd, desperate to get as far away from Jaebum as possible. The music turned to noise around him, and Jinyoung stumbled blindly, emerging on the other side of the dancefloor, by the bar. He leaned heavily against the bar, closed his eyes and took a steadying breath.

When he felt a hand on his shoulder, Jinyoung almost screamed.

“Sorry – I didn’t mean to startle you!”

It wasn’t Jaebum. Jinyoung felt relief wash over him, but also he felt his heart fall. That is, until he realised who it was standing behind him.

“Hyunwoo- _hyung_?” Jinyoung grinned. “Or should I say – _Shownu_?”

Hyunwoo rolled his eyes, gave Jinyoung a small shove. “Shut up, _Junior_ ,” he shot back. Jinyoung narrowed his eyes, but Hyunwoo just laughed and pulled him into a hug. “Haven’t seen you in ages and you’re just as annoying as ever.”

“I could say the same about you,” replied Jinyoung, smirking.

“You love me,” said Hyunwoo. He leant across the bar, motioned to the bartender. “A rum and coke, please, and –” he paused, turned back to Jinyoung. “What do you want?”

Jinyoung quirked an eyebrow. Since when did Hyunwoo buy him drinks? Not that he was complaining. “Surprise me,” he said coyly.

And that was how Jinyoung found himself back on the dancefloor, pressed up against old of his oldest and best friends, who maybe just so happened to be friendly, and flirty, and handsome, maybe just handsome enough to distract him from the one person who kept creeping back into his mind. He supposed this is what Mark meant by “having some fun”. It wasn’t the worst plan in the world. And so when Hyunwoo reached down to place his hands on Jinyoung’s hips, Jinyoung let him, throwing his head back and loosely wrapping his arms around Hyunwoo’s neck.

Hyunwoo leaned in, his mouth close to Jinyoung’s ear. “You look good tonight,” he said, voice raised to be audible over the loud music.

Letting out a small giggle, Jinyoung leaned his own lips towards Hyunwoo’s ear. “I could say the same about you,” he replied, repeating his statement from before, and was rewarded with a low chuckle from Hyunwoo.

“I have to say, I was surprised not to see you with JB,” said Hyunwoo.

Jinyoung tensed slightly, but he was determined not to let Hyunwoo notice. “Oh yeah?” he called back airily. “Why?”

“He always seemed so into you,” Hyunwoo replied. “I thought you guys had a thing.”

The laugh that Jinyoung let out sounded fake even to his own ears. “No way,” he near-shouted. “Nothing going on there.” Jinyoung couldn’t tell if Hyunwoo believed him, but either way, he didn’t care. He didn’t want to talk about Jaebum, or think about him, or have anything to do with him anymore.

 

 

Jaebum gritted his teeth. He and Youngjae – and a bunch of other people, not anyone that Jaebum particularly cared about – had moved to the sofas on the raised mezzanine level of the club, overlooking the dancefloor. Unfortunately, that also meant that Jaebum had a perfect view of Jinyoung in the crowd, draped around Hyunwoo.

“If it bothers you so much, just go talk to him,” said Youngjae in exasperation.

Jaebum flicked his eyes over to Youngjae before turning back to the dancefloor. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said grumpily. Jaebum hadn’t told Youngjae anything, but he had apparently been staring at Jinyoung so much and so intensely over the course of the evening that Youngjae had figured out something was going on between them.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” retorted Youngjae. “I don’t get you – you’ve obviously done something to piss him off, so why don’t you do something to fix it instead of just sitting here steeping in jealousy while someone dances with your man?”

“He’s not my man,” said Jaebum, not even bothering to look at Youngjae this time. Hyunwoo was leaning down to whisper something in Jinyoung’s ear.

Youngjae snorted. “And whose fault is that?”

Jaebum didn’t respond. He was transfixed by the way Jinyoung tilted his head, angled his chin so that he could hear Hyunwoo better. Conflicting feelings bubbled up inside him – rage at the intimacy of the gesture, and desire, at the chiselled shape of Jinyoung’s jawline.

“What are you afraid of?” Youngjae asked. Jaebum clenched his jaw. He didn’t know, didn’t know what was wrong with him, didn’t know why he had panicked all those weeks ago and tried to bury everything that had happened with Jinyoung. Sometimes Jaebum told himself it was just because was afraid, he had never felt this way about another guy before. But deep down Jaebum knew it was more than that – if he was afraid it was because he had never felt this way about _anyone_ before.

“It’s not my place,” said Jaebum feebly. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“Yeah, your friendship is in a great state right now,” shot back Youngjae. Jaebum couldn’t help but quirk a smile. Youngjae got really sassy when he was drunk.

And then his smile disappeared again as Jinyoung leaned forward to say something else to Hyunwoo. But was there really a need for Jinyoung to press into Hyunwoo like that, to grab onto his shoulders to pull him closer? Jaebum felt like he was on fire, blinded by his own frustration and anger at himself, because he should be the one there. He should be the one with his arms wrapped around Jinyoung, the one whose hair Jinyoung’s fingers should be running through.

He set his glass down, got to his feet. Youngjae was saying something at him, but Jaebum wasn’t listening. Enough was enough. He was going to make things right.

 

 

“Hyunwoo- _hyung_ ,” Jaebum said once he had edged his way through the crowd, into the centre of the dancefloor where Jinyoung had his hand on Hyunwoo’s hip and was throwing his head back in laughter. Jaebum couldn’t miss the way Jinyoung tensed up at the sound of his voice, his own chest clenching at the sight.

“JB- _ssi_!” Hyunwoo exclaimed in surprise. He cast Jinyoung a glance, one eyebrow raised, a look in his eyes that Jaebum didn’t understand. “Happy birthday.”

Jaebum smiled tightly. He was good friends with Hyungwoo, he really was, and he didn’t want to be rude. “Thanks, _hyung_ ,” he said, reaching towards him for a one-armed hug. Jinyoung stepped out of the way, but Jaebum could tell he was staring. “Thanks for coming,” he added as they pulled away from the hug.

The air settled heavily around them, three motionless bodies in the middle of an otherwise heaving dancefloor. Hyunwoo grinned, the right side of his face quirking higher than the left, like he was trying to keep himself from laughing. “Right,” he announced, “I should go check on Wonho – last I saw him he was chugging a pint of beer.”

He slipped his hand down, wrapped it around Jinyoung’s waist, tugged him in close so he could lean down towards Jinyoung’s ear. Jaebum felt the flame of jealousy rising within him again, exhaled sharply to keep from saying anything.

“Jinyoung-ah,” Hyunwoo murmured. “It was nice seeing you. We should catch up soon.” Then he nodded to Jaebum, and disappeared.

It hadn’t seemed possible, but the atmosphere turned even more stiflingly awkward now that Hyunwoo had left. Jinyoung hadn’t moved, wasn’t looking at Jaebum or acknowledging his presence in anyway. Regret started to course through Jaebum. He wasn’t sure what he had been hoping to achieve by coming down here, except to somehow get in between Jinyoung and Hyunwoo.

He cleared his throat, glanced apprehensively at the side of Jinyoung’s face. “Uh, are you enjoying the party?” he asked.

That seemed to snap Jinyoung out of whatever trance he was in. He wheeled round to glare at Jaebum, a fury burning in his eyes that Jaebum wasn’t sure he had ever seen in Jinyoung before. At least, not ever directed at him.

“What is your problem?” snapped Jinyoung.

Jaebum flinched. “I just – I was just coming to say hi to Hyunwoo- _hyung_ ,” he said, knowing that the excuse would sound pathetic to Jinyoung. But what else could he say? _I can’t get you out of my mind, and seeing you with someone else drives me mad?_ The truth was even more pathetic.

“You’re unbelievable,” said Jinyoung, looking suddenly exhausted. His eyes fell shut for a second, and then he was walking away from Jaebum, nudging his way off the dancefloor.

“Jinyoung-ah!” It took Jaebum a second to react, but then he was following Jinyoung, stumbling past people who kept trying to wish him a happy birthday. He was, most decidedly, not having a happy birthday.

Jaebum caught up with Jinyoung at the cloakroom where he was picking up his coat, having taken the stairs two at a time on the way down. “Jinyoung, please – wait,” he called out, but Jinyoung ignored him, pushed through the double doors into the foyer of the club, shrugged his coat on and headed for the exit. Jaebum dashed forward to grab Jinyoung’s shoulder. “Please, Jinyoung-ah,” he said, trying to ignore the desperate whine to his voice. “Please – I’m sorry.”

“Yeah?” Jinyoung stopped, turned around slowly. He stared stonily at Jaebum. “What for?”

Jinyoung’s sudden acknowledgement of Jaebum’s existence, when he had thus far completely ignored him, took Jaebum aback. He struggled to piece words together. “Uh, sorry – sorry for barging in on you and Hyunwoo,” he offered feebly. “It was rude. I apologise.”

This seemed to make Jinyoung angrier than ever. His small hands clenched into fists at his sides. “Are you fucking serious,” he snapped, voice terse and low.

“What?” Jaebum shot back defensively. Years of knowing Jinyoung, and he still wasn’t used to the coldness of his anger. “I said I was sorry.”

“Is that all you have to say?” asked Jinyoung, sharply.

Jaebum was frustrated, with Jinyoung for not understanding why this was so difficult for him, but mostly with himself for not knowing how to communicate his pain to Jinyoung. There was a monster inside him, feeding on his insecurity and jealousy and utter confusion, and it growing bigger by the day. The words came spilling out of him before he realised what he was saying.

“Why are you so pissed off? Are you that desperate for Hyunwoo?”

That was the wrong thing to say, and Jaebum regretted it even before he saw Jinyoung’s eyes widen in shock. The rage bled from Jinyoung’s expression, and his face slowly crumpled in hurt.

Jaebum had always had a hot temper, and when his temper rose it made him brash, impulsive, saying whatever came to mind. Even those ugly, cruel thoughts that reared up in the forefront of everyone’s mind when they were hurt, and scared, and angry. Not for the first time, Jaebum wished he had taken a second to breathe before he had spoken.

“That’s – that’s not what I meant,” he stammered. “Jinyoung-ah, I’m sorry…”

Jinyoung squeezed his eyes shut, shook his head. “I don’t want to hear it,” he said, breathing heavily. “I’m going to go now. Have a good birthday.” He smoothed down the lapels of his coat, straightened up, and turned towards the exit.

“No, don’t go!” exclaimed Jaebum in a panic. He had to stop Jinyoung from leaving before he could figure out how to make things right. Instinctively, Jaebum reached out to grab Jinyoung’s wrist to stop him from leaving. “Jinyoung-ah – you have to listen to me.”

Jinyoung whirled round in fury, a blazing ferocity in his gaze. He snatched his hand out of Jaebum’s grasp. “I _have to_ listen to you?” he shouted.

“That’s not what I meant,” said Jaebum hastily.

“Then what the fuck do you mean?” Jinyoung was yelling properly now. “Why should I have to suffer while you figure out what you’re trying to say?”

“Jinyoung – listen,” Jaebum held his hands out, trying to appease Jinyoung.

“No, you listen to me! You’re the one who – ” Jinyoung paused, glanced around. The foyer was empty, but nevertheless Jinyoung lowered his voice to a forceful whisper. “ _You’re_ the one who kissed me,” he hissed. “And yeah, I kissed you back, because I fucking _like_ you. But I didn’t start it.”

Jaebum’s head was spinning. Did Jinyoung just say that he liked him? He felt like all the air was being sucked out of the room. His chest was so constricted that he couldn’t breathe. All he could focus on was Jinyoung, standing in front of him, looking heart-breakingly beautiful, and earth-shatteringly furious.

Jinyoung took a step towards Jaebum, who was rooted to the ground. “And then the next day,” Jinyoung continued, his breathing coming short and fast and heavy, “when you said that it was a mistake, that you wanted to forget about it? That was _your_ choice. And it _fucking hurt_ , but I went along with it because that’s what you wanted.

“So why? Why is it always about what _you_ want?” Jinyoung stopped, and the fire in his eyes seemed to flicker out. The look it was replaced by was so broken that Jaebum almost wanted the anger back. Tears shone in Jinyoung’s eyes, but he rubbed them away with the back of his hand.

Jaebum’s head was throbbing. He could feel the sting of tears in the corners of his eyes. The room swam around him. “Jinyoung-ah,” he said, his voice breaking. He took a hesitant step forward, reaching out towards Jinyoung.

But Jinyoung just took a massive step back. “Don’t touch me,” he said in a breathless whisper, shaking his head. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. When he reopened them he was looking at a spot on the opposite wall, refusing to meet Jaebum’s gaze. “Enough,” he said. “Enough now.”

Jaebum couldn’t look, couldn’t watch as Jinyoung walked away. He just felt the coolness of the night air against his cheek as Jinyoung pulled the door to the street open and stepped out.

 

 

The next few days passed by in a blur for Jaebum. He went back into the club after Jinyoung left, drank himself into a stupor, woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and the memory of Jinyoung’s words ringing in his brain.

Jaebum had to go into the studio to work on songs for their next comeback, so he at least had an excuse to keep away from Jinyoung as much as possible. He took to waking up at the crack of dawn, and heading straight to the studio and staying there until well past midnight. It had gotten so extreme that the members had even come up to him separately to ask if he was okay – everyone except Jinyoung, of course. Jaebum had always been a hard worker, but his single-minded focus in the week following his birthday had reached a new level of dedication.

It was exhausting, and Jaebum felt constantly drained of everything he had, physically and emotionally. But when he picked up the pen he found that the only words coming to him were about Jinyoung. All the things he wanted to say to Jinyoung, the words he had been struggling to say, they all seemed to flow out of him more easily when he was turning them into music. And so he couldn’t stop.

When he finished the song he recorded a demo of himself singing it. Listening to it, alone in his studio at two in the morning, Jaebum cried for the first time since he had kissed Jinyoung.

 

 

It took him another few days to work up the courage to let Jinyoung listen to the song.

“Jinyoung?” He had delayed going to the studio so he could catch Jinyoung at breakfast. Jinyoung looked surprised to see Jaebum, as did the other members.

“Yes?” Jinyoung asked, his voice completely level. He didn’t look angry anymore, not like the last time Jaebum had seen him properly, back in the club on his birthday. He just looked emptily at Jaebum, like he was looking at a stranger, someone who meant nothing to him. It made Jaebum’s chest hurt.

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Can you come to the studio today?” he asked.

“Why?”

These one-word answers were like shards of ice in Jaebum’s chest, but he soldiered on. “I’ve done a demo for a new song,” he explained, trying his best to keep his voice level. “I want to know what you think.”

“Why me?” countered Jinyoung. The rest of the members darted their eyes from Jaebum, to Jinyoung, and back again. They all seemed to be holding their breath. They must have figured out what was going on, but since as the two members involved in conflict were also the two who usually resolved the conflicts, they were at a loss for what to do.

Jaebum didn’t know what to say to in response. So he just went with the truth. “I want you to hear it first,” he said. “Please.”

Everyone was staring at Jinyoung now.

“Fine,” he said, after the longest pause. “Fine.”

 

 

Jinyoung turned up at Jaebum’s studio late in the afternoon, by which time Jaebum was out of his wits with anxiety. Not for the first time, Jaebum marvelled at how effortlessly handsome Jinyoung looked, even in just a plain white t-shirt tucked into light wash blue jeans. He blinked. He had to focus.

“So,” Jinyoung said as he took a seat opposite Jaebum, “here I am.” He ran his fingers through his hair, pushing his fringe back. It flopped back down messily, obscuring half of his forehead. Jaebum felt a pang of fondness for the younger man sitting in front of him, and a wave of guilt for having ever done anything to hurt him. “Where’s this song you want me to listen to?”

“Uh, yes – right,” Jaebum stumbled over his words, almost forgetting the purpose of Jinyoung’s visit. He plugged an extra set of headphones into his laptop, handed it over to Jinyoung, who shuffled closer to put them on. Jaebum felt like he was charged full of electricity, having Jinyoung so close to him for the first time in what felt like an eternity. He put his own headphones on, tried to steady his breathing.

His finger hovered over the ‘play’ button. “Just – just listen to the lyrics, okay?” Jaebum said. His heart was hammering against his chest.

Jinyoung cast Jaebum a sideways glance. When their eyes met Jaebum felt all the breath leave his lungs. Jaebum could have sworn that whatever current passed between them, Jinyoung felt it too, because he cleared his throat and looked away immediately.

“Yeah, fine,” Jinyoung said. “Just play the song, would you?”

“Ah, right, of course,” Jaebum said. He hated how flustered he got in front of Jinyoung, who was always so calm, so hard to read. “It’s called – um – ‘ _Fear_ ’.”

And then his own voice flooded into his headphones as the song started playing. The backing beat was simple, as was the instrumentation. If JYP approved the song, it would probably be jazzed up significantly. But Jaebum liked it the way it was, and he wanted Jinyoung to hear it this way.

Jaebum couldn’t bear to look at Jinyoung for the entire three and half minutes that the song played. The lyrics, which had begun to feel slightly less raw over the last few days, made him feel horrendously exposed now that Jinyoung was listening to them. He could sense Jinyoung’s presence beside him, elbows pressed into the armrests of the chair, body tilted forward slightly, completely still.

The song was about fear – the fear of getting close to someone, the fear of getting hurt. The fear of not understanding how to cope with how strongly you felt about someone. The fear of going too far, ruining a beautiful friendship.

But it was also about how that letting that fear guide you would only cause more pain. And it was about the fear of hurting someone, pushing someone away. It was about the fear of losing someone.

The song ended with just Jaebum’s voice, all the instrumentation stripped away. A whisper, barely spoken. _For my fear, I’m sorry_.

Jinyoung remained completely motionless, as if he hadn’t noticed that the song had ended. Jaebum tugged off his headphones and finally turned to look at Jinyoung, watching as he slowly – excruciatingly slowly – removed the headphones, and set them down on the table delicately. Jaebum felt like he was going to burst with anxiety, his stomach twisting itself into knots.

He was just about to prompt Jinyoung for some sort of response, when Jinyoung suddenly straightened up in his seat. Jaebum could see the muscles in Jinyoung’s cheek twitch as he clenched his jaw.

“Why,”Jinyoung started, his voice strained, “did you play me this?”

“I wanted,” Jaebum paused. He fought against the instinct to cover up his feeling of intense vulnerability with a joke. “I wanted to tell you how I felt.”

“And,” Jinyoung said, turning to stare Jaebum directly in the eyes. He didn’t seem angry, but he was inscrutable. “How is it that you feel?”

“The – the song,” Jaebum offered weakly. He had always struggled with expressing emotions. That’s why he turned to music to help him.

“I’ve heard the song,” said Jinyoung, a little sharply. He sighed, shook his head slightly, then softened his voice. “I’ve heard the song,” he repeated. “I want you to tell me. Say it to me.”

Jinyoung had always challenged Jaebum, pushed him to be the best version of himself. He wasn’t going to back down on this one. And Jaebum knew that Jinyoung was right to push him. He took a deep breath, exhaled slowly.

“I’m sorry,” Jaebum said, his voice low. “I’m sorry for being an ass. But – ” here he paused, tried to calm his erratic heart. “But, I’m not sorry that I kissed you.”

He couldn’t read Jinyoung at all, but his words didn’t seem to have made him angry, so Jaebum continued.

“I’m sorry that I said I wanted to forget about it. I don’t want to forget about it. I _haven’t_ been able to forget about it. I was just…I was scared,” Jaebum felt shivers radiate from his chest, throughout his body. He wasn’t sure that he had ever felt so vulnerable before. “I had very…strong feelings. For you. Have had for a while. And when we kissed – I was so overwhelmed, and I was afraid that you didn’t really want me, and that I’d ruined our friendship.”

Still Jinyoung didn’t say anything. There was a hint of softness in his gaze, though, and that encouraged Jaebum to carry on.

“I was scared of getting hurt, of losing you,” Jaebum said. “Jinyoung-ah, I don’t know – I don’t know if you know how important you are to me.” Jaebum chewed on his bottom lip. He felt a thickness in his chest, rising up his throat, and he knew he was teetering on the verge of crying. “Not just – not just, you know – romantically,” he said, trying to force down the emotions swelling up in him. “But like – ever since we were trainees together – you make me a better person. You’re always there for me. I don’t – I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”

Jaebum pursed his lips together. His vision was blurring. He swiped the heels of his hands against his eyes, trying futilely to pretend like he wasn’t crying.

“I really, really like you, Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum said, furrowing his brows earnestly. “And all I’ve wanted to do since kissing you that night was to kiss you again, and again. But I didn’t think you felt the same about me, and I was worried I had ruined our friendship. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, made decisions without talking to you, I know. But I was so panicked, I didn’t know what to do. I made everything worse. And then, when you got mad at me, I mean – I deserved everything – but still.

“I was afraid I was going to lose you.”

Jaebum heaved a sigh, his gaze falling to the floor. “I’m still afraid that I’ve lost you,” he added, so quietly that Jinyoung would have missed it, if their faces weren’t so close together.

Jinyoung was silent for the longest time. Jaebum still couldn’t drag his eyes up from the floor. With each passing second he became more certain that none of it had made a difference, and that he had lost Jinyoung forever. The thought wracked Jaebum with agony. He watched as his tears splashed onto the floor.

“ _Yah_ , Im Jaebum!”

Jaebum snapped his head up at the sound of Jinyoung’s voice. There was a mischievous twinkle in Jinyoung’s eyes, and the corner of his mouth was titled upwards in a sly smile. Jaebum felt utterly bewildered at Jinyoung’s abrupt change in mood.

“Don’t look at me like that – I think I’m allowed a bit of informal speech after all the hell you put me through,” said Jinyoung, looking affronted. “Now – are you going to keep crying or are you going to kiss me?”

It took a second for Jinyoung’s words to register. When they did, Jaebum frowned in confusion, wiping away the last of his tears. “What did you say?” he asked, not quite certain that he hadn’t misheard.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “Do I have to do _everything_ around here?” he asked, exasperated.

Then he leaned forward, cupped Jaebum’s face in his hands, and pressed their lips together.

Jaebum responded instinctively, his hands sliding down to Jinyoung’s waist. When he felt Jinyoung’s tongue slipping past his lips, a soft, helpless moan escaped him, a sound he wasn’t sure he had ever made before. He felt Jinyoung smile against his lips.

This kiss was different from the first one. The first one had been hungry, desperate, needy. This time, they took their time, exploring, tasting, getting to know one another. Jaebum nipped at Jinyoung’s lower lip, which made Jinyoung’s breath hitch. The sound sent a wave of heat through Jaebum, clenching in his stomach.

They pulled apart for a breath, and Jaebum moved his hand to Jinyoung’s jawline. “I never thought I would get to do this again,” he said, “I’m so sorry for being an idiot.” His gaze flicked between Jinyoung’s eyes, dark with desire, and his lips, swollen and pink.

“Yeah?” breathed Jinyoung. “Well, I forgive you. And now you can do this whenever you want.”

Jaebum felt a swell of happiness expanding within him. He grinned broadly, at a loss for words, and instead just tugged at Jinyoung’s waist. “What are you doing?” Jinyoung complained. They were already as close as they could be while sitting on two separate chairs.

“Just – come here,” Jaebum insisted. He kept his grip firm, pulling Jinyoung close, until Jinyoung was forced to stumble off the chair and onto Jaebum’s lap. Jinyoung looked like he was about to protest, so Jaebum just hooked a hand on the back of his neck to drag him down for another kiss. He took Jinyoung’s lower lip between his teeth, biting down a little harder than before.

When Jinyoung responded by letting out a whimper, Jaebum thought that he would combust with desire. He dug his fingers into Jinyoung’s hips, where he was holding him to keep him steady. Jinyoung groaned, arching his lower back ever so slightly, which ground his ass directly against Jaebum’s crotch.

“Fuck, Jinyoung-ah,” hissed Jaebum against Jinyoung’s lips, “fuck, you’re so hot.”

“Mm,” Jinyoung responded, “so are you.” He ducked his head down, pressed kisses to Jaebum’s neck. “You’re unbelievably sexy, you know,” he murmured, alternately sucking and licking and biting at a spot on Jaebum’s neck.

Jaebum groaned, throwing his head back to give Jinyoung better access. “You need to stop or I’m going to want to take you, right here, right now,” he growled. He could hear how heavy with want his own voice sounded. He wondered how it sounded to Jinyoung.

“Would that be so bad?” Jinyoung asked, twisting his hips in a way that made Jaebum feel light-headed.  

“No, but I don’t have any – stuff – here,” said Jaebum, stumbling over his words with embarrassment. He flushed as Jinyoung pulled back, raised an eyebrow at him.

“You mean you have _stuff_ back in the dorm?” he asked, a teasing tone in his voice.

Jaebum grimaced. “Maybe?” he offered. “I, uh – sometimes, I – um…”

Jinyoung licked his lips, still grinning at Jaebum. “That’s okay,” he said with a laugh, cutting Jaebum off, putting him out of his misery, “I have stuff too.”

Then his eyes darkened, and he leaned forward, pressed his lips right up to Jaebum’s ear. The warmth of his breath sent shivers coursing through Jaebum. “Sometimes I use them while thinking of you,” Jinyoung whispered.

“Fuck, Park Jinyoung!” Jaebum inhaled sharply. “What are trying to do to me?”

Jinyoung leant back, eyes wide with faux innocence. “Me?” he asked, a hand flying up to his chest in simulation of surprise. “I’m not doing anything.”

“You know what you’re doing,” replied Jaebum.

“I guess I should stop whatever I was doing then,” Jinyoung announced, lifting Jaebum’s hands off him and hopping delicately off his lap. He stood in front of Jaebum, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Jaebum groaned, ran a hand through his hair. “You actually are the devil, Park Jinyoung,” he complained. “I don’t know how I went so abruptly from crying like a baby and pouring my heart out to you, to basically begging to get in your pants.”

Jinyoung shrugged. “I have a power over people,” he said breezily, “It’s why you like me.”

“Yeah,” Jaebum agreed, grinning despite himself. “Yeah, it is.”

“Ugh, gross,” said Jinyoung, rolling his eyes. But the slight curl of his lips into a smile spoke differently. “Now come on, I’m hungry, let’s go home.”

Chuckling at how quickly Jinyoung could go from breathless and needy to brusque and demanding, Jaebum got to his feet. He couldn’t stop beaming. His cheeks hurt but still he just grinned cheerily at Jinyoung, leaning over and giving him a small shove with his shoulder.

“What? Stop looking at me like that, let’s go,” Jinyoung complained, started heading towards the door.

“Yah, Park Jinyoung,” Jaebum called out before Jinyoung could open the door.

Jinyoung paused, turned back. “What?”

“Park Jinyoung,” Jaebum said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, and rocking back and forth on his heels, “I like you.”

Jinyoung tried unsuccessfully to bite down a smile. “Im Jaebum,” he replied, a broad grin spreading across his face, eyes crinkling up into crescents. “I like you too.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I shied away from writing full-on smut because I am new to it, sorry for being such a tease! I wasn't even intending on the kissing getting so hot and heavy but I stumbled across [this video](https://twitter.com/bbgot7trash/status/1027932078623449089) of leader-nim im jaebum and I cannot express to you how thirsty it made me... 
> 
> Anyway, please comment and leave kudos if you liked it! And come follow me on twitter @[notionxally](https://twitter.com/notionxally) if you want to shout at me more, I'm always looking for new mutuals (I mainly stan bts and got7, but also seventeen, mamamoo, blackpink, red velvet, exo... i'm just kpop trash rly)


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